Ok, I am going to vent now, be done with it, and start fresh tomorrow.
I am writing this for myself and also having in mind all the artists and craftsmen out there who need to remember the basics, like I do now. This is a reminder I will have to revisit anytime I’ll try to fake the game again – something that I’ve seen it happening with all the talented, but LAZY people who know they can get away with a finished product without much work, only based on their little talents. When I say “work”, I am talking about real work, valid work, the one that enhances your art and your core, not about the struggle, however exhausting, to meet some dull requirements and deadlines.
First of all, art is going to get back at you if you betray it. I found myself in the last few months being dishonest with my artistic inclinations and building my video production skills on fear of failure. Guess what? If that’s what drove me, then that’s exactly what I’ve got in return: a big fat beer belly cuckolded failure. Crash, boom, bang! I really don’t/shouldn’t care what others thought about my final products (usually nice and mellow feedback), I know they are passable, but I also know they are not earthshaking. And it used to be a time when I’ll take earthshaking or nothing. When I say I don’t care about what others think, I mean that I should be the first to know the value of my work. I do appreciate any feedback. I also believe that the real confirmation comes when your heart is so elated after you’re done and you hear the angels singing in heaven – then you know you gave your true best to honor the world, yourself, and the consumer of your art work.
In my perception, art is this shapeless unknown promise of happiness and fulfillment hidden behind everything that’s created in this world. If I try to squeeze it into predictability, to tame it, so as not to overpower me (as if it’s possible), I’ll end up with a shitty kitschy crap. I knew that beforehand, I always knew it. Then why in the hello I screwed up so gigantically? I know why and I am sharing it with the world, as the second lesson of the day: let yourself be led by art! There is a miracle within every single rock you fall in love with and hear the call to sculpt it and it’s not gonna get out of that darn rock if you hammer it down as if you are out for a revenge or a fight. Listen to its rhythm, follow its wondrous voice, be like a child watching the moonlight reflected in the lake and don’t try to move the lake or the moon to a place where is more convenient for YOU.
My third revelation after all this experience is that actually there is no excuse for failure. Yeah, just like that, sorry whiners (me included). I don’t mean to beat the dead horse here with self-flagellation, but now honestly, think about it. I also need to hear myself saying it, to exorcize it. We all know that we have to stay true to ourselves and as soon as we try to take a shortcut or to wear a masque, guess what’s gonna happen? Karenina reloaded, we get hit by the train, that’s what’s gonna happen. We cannot just purposefully attempt to get by in art – or in anything else, for that matter. I used to claim that I rather stay stupid, but honest. Because I always knew that with honesty comes everything else: an honest person deliberately does her best no matter the challenges or else. But when one just tries to get by in whatever field, that’s a lie. And lies attract more lies and the failure is predictable.
My main lie in the last several months was that “this is how much I can give, I’m already doing my best”. Bullshit. I can give gazillion times more than this and it’s a shame I didn’t do it. No art comes with excuses on a price tag.